How Do I Grow Old Gracefully?

Dear Mary,

I truly enjoyed meeting you at Judith’s sixtieth birthday party. She prepared a delicious buffet, and I thought it was a nice celebration. I agree with you that sixty is a monumental birthday, and I found it inspiring that Judith’s health and appearance are so good. She looks terrific. I will forever be grateful to her for having the good sense to turn sixty before I did. She has certainly contradicted the conventional thinking concerning turning sixty. I don’t agree with you that sixty is the new thirty, but perhaps it is the new fifty, and we should all be celebrating that. This brings me to the reason I write you today. You posed an interesting question at the party. I know because of my involvement at the senior center, that many of the ladies think of me as some type of expert concerning matters of aging. I assure you, I am not. All of my work is either self-serving or volunteer and I have no credentials to back up any opinions that I have. That being said, I have thought long and hard about your query—“Tell me how to grow old gracefully?”
Mary, I am not sure if it can be done. The question, it seems to me, is an oxymoron. I have tried to think about an answer that would give us both some insights, something, simultaneously, brilliant and utilitarian. To be honest, I haven’t found anything particularly graceful about growing old; growing old is not for sissies. However, I did examine the meaning of the words that make up your question, and in those words, I found some comfort.
Let us start with the words “Tell me.” Seeking advice from me is flattering; believe me, I am touched by your question. I would recommend, however, that it might be wiser to consult with someone who has expertise in the area of choice. You need someone who has already accomplished the desired results you’re looking for. Mary, I’m just not old yet. I expect to be old someday. I say that only after considerable pondering of my alternative, but today I am still young.
How to do something, anything, starts with a basic desire to do. Doing is good. I think that anyone who embarks on a “how to” endeavor should become informed. There are many books available, all filled with pages and pages of information on the “how to” of every aspect of life, including growing old. I think some of these books are marvelous resources. I would caution you, however, not to get lost in this plethora of information. Life is about doing.
“Grow” is a marvelous word. I love to garden, to grow big beautiful roses along the fence at the back of my yard. I was one of those women who loved being pregnant. Feeling my child grow inside my womb was joyous. I thoroughly enjoy watching my grandchildren grow into the beautiful young people they are. Over the years, my interests have grown. My patience with others has grown. My tolerances of my differences with people have grown, and as time passes, my commitments have grown deeper. My love for my husband and family grows stronger daily. I realize that my days are growing shorter, and as they do, my memories grow fonder.
“Old,” however, is not necessarily such a good word. We all love old houses; they have character and charm. We love old cities; they have history. We collect old coins; sometimes the
older the coin the more value it has. Old furniture is so interesting to us we give it its own name, antiques. In fact, we do this for cars, jewelry, china, glassware, watches, sewing machines, washboards, dolls, weather vanes, and the list goes on. Moreover, if we find something really old, we give it a truly distinguished title; we call it a relic. Of course, when it comes to people, we simply call them old.
Old, when applied to people, doesn’t conjure up any particularly exciting images, does it? Canes and walkers clacking down wide odorous hallways aren’t the fodder of our hopes and dreams. Little old ladies counting out the exact change for their groceries, one nickel at a time, while we wait behind them, our patience growing thin, our eyes meeting others’ with equal impatience, wondering how much more of our time will be frittered away during this tedious ritual, make us realize how much we value our time. Truly, in our society that covets instant food, instant pay, instant gratification, these doddering old folks are slowing us down. My point here, Mary, is that old is only good if you are not a person.
Grace is an eloquent word. It has many definitions and all of them touched by humility. Of course, grace can be spiritual, as in full of grace. This is about not just elegance or beauty of form, but a deep inner influence or spirit of God. There are also acts of grace: mercy, clemency, and pardon. We can have the grace to be kind to even the most disagreeable of foes during their time of great sorrow. Yes, I know that takes compassion, but isn’t that the grace of moral strength, the grace to do what you know is right no matter how difficult the task? This elusive quest—“to grow old gracefully”—may not be attainable, but the choices we make can move us “gracefully” through life.
The only problematic word was old, and only when it was used with person. If we take old out of the question, we can ask, “How do we grow gracefully?” We don’t have to do a thing about the old. If we are lucky, that cruel sweetness will happen all by itself. I think that all that remains for us to do is to seek the most successful examples of people who have grown gracefully and emulate those inner qualities we find so desirous. As for me, I feel there is nothing more graceful than kindness, so it is with kindest intent that I offer you my humble advice and trust there are, at the very least, some elements of an answer.
I wish you and your family the very best.
Warmest Regards,
Maggie Rose